[no opinion about me]

Sometimes it just hurts. I was listening to Paul Simon’s Crazy Love (ignore the video and just listen), and when it got to the lyrics, “Well, I have no opinion about that / And I have no opinion about me,” I burst out crying.

The lyrics overall are pretty spot-on in their evocation of the grimmest, saddest parts of going through a divorce — the bewildered, deflated hopelessness, the resignation, but above all the uncertainty. And that’s why that one light hit so hard: even now, more than a year after moving out and starting my life over, I’m still unable to put the whole thing into a narrative that makes any sense to me. I know the facts of the case, more or less, but I don’t yet have enough distance to tell the story. I don’t know yet what to believe about me, or about her, or about us. And the dust cloud of the divorce hasn’t yet settled enough for me to be able to see beyond it, into the marriage itself, and understand what any of it was. Did we love each other? Was it doomed from the start? Where did it go off the rails, and why? What the hell happened?

[dfw rip]

So David Foster Wallace has gone and killed himself.

Asshole.

I have maybe spent more time thinking about suicide than your average person, what with Jenny having been seriously damaged by an ex-boyfriend who killed himself. One of the discoveries along the way is that the suicide is not only a victim of violence, but also a murderer. And David Foster Wallace has stolen from us one of the most brilliant, insightful, compassionate writers we had.

We needed Wallace. Hell, I needed Wallace. I’ve read Infinite Jest three times now, once snce getting sober, and I’ve quoted it often in twelve-step meetings. I even incorporated its wisdom into a list of slogans I compiled, adapting one of DFW’s insights to read, “No God minor-league enough for you to understand is going to be major-league enough to solve your problem.” That line helped me get through a tough period of struggle with faith and let go of my need to understand God in some kind of comprehensive, philosophically bulletproof way before I could let God into my life.

Wallace is one of the few writers who has helped me understand the world and my life in a serious way. Most of the others are philosophical writers, usually in a Buddhist or Eastern religious vein — Thich Nhat Hanh, Pema Chödrön, Michael Pirsig and Benjamin Hoff at an earlier point — but Wallace was broader, helping me to understand everything from rural America to addiction, English usage to infinity.

And now he’s gone. There will be no followup novel. There will be no DFW essay on getting old, just around the time I would need one. Fuck.

Let’s let it end with a passage that must have haunted Wallace:

Alas, poor Yorick! I knew him, Horatio: a fellow
of infinite jest, of most excellent fancy: he hath
borne me on his back a thousand times; and now, how
abhorred in my imagination it is! my gorge rims at
it. Here hung those lips that I have kissed I know
not how oft. Where be your gibes now? your
gambols? your songs? your flashes of merriment,
that were wont to set the table on a roar? Not one
now, to mock your own grinning?

[bicycle]

I’m just back from having purchased a bike. I rode it home, five miles, from the Atlantic Avenue Target back to Bay Ridge, following 4th Avenue as it goes from Mexican to Puerto Rican to Chinese to Arabic.

Buying a bike in New York City is harder than you might think. Well, that’s assuming you don’t want some kind of titanium, high-tech, stealth-technology-enhanced super-bike that costs more than most Americans’ cars. If you’re up for spending giant sums of money, there are scads of boutique shops to cater to your needs. And most of these boutiques will even cater to folks who want to spend a mere $400 or so on a bike, though the salesperson will probably look at you with a mixture of pity and disdain. Apparently one is supposed to enter these temples of bikeitude with either an extensive knowledge of alloys or the humility of a religious seeker. The reaction I get when I ask for the cheapest bike is what I imagine I’d get if I went to Bergdorf’s around Christmas and said, “Show me your cheapest handbag, please.”

What makes this state of affairs particularly baffling is that one so rarely sees fancy bikes actually being ridden around New York. Is there some kind of delivery-guy underground I’m just missing? Where do their thousands of lightweight, perfectly functional, obviously cheap bicycles come from? And who wants a thousand dollar bike in the city anyway? My Schwinn came from Target already broken — it won’t change gears properly — and I assume this is a clever anti-theft system provided by the store for my benefit. Still, I’m semi-resigned to the thought that one day I will go looking for my bike where I left it, and it won’t be there. That’s what happens to bikes in the city, and I’d rather it happened to a bike that costs less than my phone.

Once you drop below about $400, you get into the realm of bikes that cannot be purchased at bike shops. These lowly vehicles must be sought out at toy stores, sporting goods stores, or big-box generalists like Target. And at Target, it’s actually remarkably hard to buy a bike. I had to wander across the store in search of someone who could get on a walkie-talkie and find out how much the bike I wanted actually cost. And forget about getting it adjusted. I guess that’s what you pay the fancy places for. The bike is sold as-is, and you just have to hope it does what it’s supposed to.

Mine does, more or less. No, you can’t change the gears very well, and I’m not convinced the handlebars are completely straight, and the rear break is a joke. But the bike cost a mere $178, and it got me from there to here.

As for the getting, it was harder than I’d like to admit. Today was muggy but not excessively hot, and 4th Ave. is not exactly mountain terrain. Still, as I came up the rise from 30th to 50th Street, my heart was pounding and I felt myself overheating. I pulled off the street, locked my bike to a subway entrance railing, undid my new helmet and staggered into a bodega to buy a bottle of Gatorade.

I remember overheating like this as a kid sometimes, especially as I hit the top of the hill on Las Gallinas, back in Terra Linda, on the way to the mall. There, I would just keel over on the side of the road and wait for it to pass, hearing the pounding of blood in my head as I lay on the sidewalk. It was a private experience, an internal crisis that I could experience alone. Riding a bike in the city is a different experience, a public activity that involves engagement with others at every moment. It’s fun, though, and I hope to do much more of it. I just need to get in better shape!

[incomplete sentences]

A Googler sent out this transcript (via The Memory Hole) of an actual form from the NSA called “Incomplete Sentences,” which seems like an ideal blogosphere meme. Fill it out in the comments and pass it on to others. I’ll do my own version soon.

DOCID: 3114399

INCOMPLETE SENTENCES

NAME (Last) (First) (Middle) DATE

FINISH THESE SENTENCES TO EXPRESS YOUR TRUE FEELINGS.

1. I always wanted to be

2. I can’t

3. If my father would only

4. People think of me as

5. I suffer most from

6. What upsets me most is

7. Most men

8. My family treats me like

9. My greatest worry is

10. Some members of the opposite sex

11. Most women

12. I regret

13. The main thing in life

14. Secretly

15. If my mother would only

16. I don’t like people who

17. I wish I could forget the time I

18. When troubled

19. It bothers or annoys me that I

20. What most angers me is

FORM P5590A REV JUN 2000 (Supersedes P5590A REV JUN 76 which is obsolete)
Approved for Release by NSA on 02-16-2007, FOIA Case #42877

[idlewild books]

I have made it a goal to travel to at least two countries each year, at least one of which I haven’t been to before. I don’t expect to manage more than one country this year, but hopefully, beginning in 2009, that will begin to change.

The thing is, people tend to get the wrong idea about me. They think I’m well traveled because so many of my personal anecdotes begin with “When I was in India” or “When I was in Korea,” or some variant, and because I know about a lot of different cultures and countries and histories, and because I worked at the UN. But I’m not well traveled, just oddly traveled. I have spent a year in Korea, 6.5 months in India, 3.5 months in Nepal, two weeks in Ireland, a couple of afternoons over the border in Mexico, and a couple of hours wandering around the Canadian side of Niagara Falls (where, to my eternal regret, I failed to buy one of the snow globes for sale that said, “TEXAS”), and a brief layover in Hong Kong, where I watched thousands upon thousands of Filipino ladies eat lunch.

Six countries. Four if you only count the ones where I spent the night. None on continental Europe, none in Africa or South America or the Middle East. I’m a Jew who hasn’t been to Israel, a (recovering) stoner who hasn’t been to Amsterdam, a (recovering) metalhead who’s never seen Stonehenge, an art nerd who’s never been to Paris, an Asian studies nerd who has set foot in neither Japan nor China. I haven’t been to any of the hot spots, really: Thailand, Angkor, Bali, Venice, Florence, Prague, London. Not even friggin’ London! I have to get out more.

But now at least I know where to get my travel books: Idlewild Books, on West 19th Street near Fifth Avenue. I just discovered this place yesterday, and I couldn’t believe I’d never spotted it before. “A lot of people say that,” the proprietor told me, “but we’ve only been open about four weeks.” The genius of Idlewild is that the books are arranged geographically rather than by type: you can find guidebooks, language books, memoirs and novels about, say, Mongolia, all on one shelf, together. How cool is that?

There are limits, of course: no music, no poetry, no comics. As the proprietor said, the subject of the store is the whole world, and there’s only so much shelf space. But it’s a beautiful space full of fascinating books, and I encourage you to check it out.

[korean art at the met]

From the Metropolitan Museum of Art, coming next spring:

Korean Art under Confucian Kings, ca. 1400–1600
March 17, 2009–June 21, 2009
Arts of Korea Gallery, 2nd Floor

This international loan exhibition will present approximately 50 works of art that illustrate the height of artistic production under court and elite patronage during the first 200 years of the Choson dynasty (1392–1910), a time of extraordinary cultural achievements. The diverse yet cohesive group of secular and religious paintings, porcelain, sculpture, lacquer, and metalwork will highlight the aesthetics, conventions, and innovations of a Neo-Confucian elite and its artistic milieu. This will be the first in a series of special exhibitions at the Museum focusing on significant periods in Korean art history.

The Interview Meme

Here are the rules (via Pagan Mom):

1) Leave me a comment saying, “Interview me.”
2) I will respond by asking you 5 questions of a very personal nature.
3) You will update your own blog, or the comments here, with the answers to the questions.
4) You will include this and an offer to interview someone else in the post.
5) When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them 5 questions.

1) When were you happiest?

That’s a tough one considering how skewed my perspective is right now on much of my recent past. But I would say probably my senior year of high school, and then maybe the first year after Jenny and I moved to Court Street.

2) What is a talent that you wish you had?

I wish I were more athletic generally. And I wish I were better at learning languages.

3) What is your favorite flavor?

Chocolate.

4) How do you handle shame?

Badly. I’m working on that. Therapy and recovery are my main tools at the moment. But shame is something I really struggle with.

5) If you had to explain yourself in three sentences, what would they be?

(For the sake of decency, I’ll avoid run-ons.) I have known for most of my life that I wanted to be a writer, except for a confused period in elementary school when I wanted to be a lawyer, and this desire runs so deep that I used to believe everyone wanted to be a writer, until I learned otherwise.

I was raised in Northern California by post pot-smoking New York Jewish hippies who became Orthodox Jews, and this was exactly as weird and alienating as it sounds.

I am a lifelong learner on as many fronts as I can manage, and in the last year or so this has taken an especially important turn as I have begun to learn the difference between pursuing dreams and indulging cravings.

[progress in nepal]

Nepal is officially becoming a republic, having abolished its monarchy after 240 years. The country is also finally shedding its status as officially Hindu, a designation that made little sense in a land with large numbers of Buddhists and a syncretic culture generally.

The monarchy in Nepal was officially divine, and until seven years ago, most Nepalis seemed to perceive it that way. But on June 1, 2001, the king and most of the royal family were murdered by (probably) Crown Prince Dipendra, and it’s sort of hard to recover your image as benevolent divinities after something like that. The unpopular Gyanendra, conveniently away during the massacre, took the throne, and Nepal learned that a monarchy is just fine until you have a bad king, and then it’s awful.

Well, now they’ve done away with the king, which is all for the good, in my view.

[how we livin’]

If you want to see what it’s like inside Google New York, check out this music video that was put together for our annual talent show. It’s not, you know, good, but it’s kind of funny (funnier if you know our inside jokes, like all office humor), and it’s a chance to see the office I work in.

[chris matthews makes a funny]

I’m no fan of Chris Matthews, who I think is kind of a twit, but it did crack me up when The Daily Show’s Moment of Zen showed him saying of Hillary Clinton, “It’s almost as if she’s the Al Sharpton of white people.” Now that’s comedy.