[styles and trends]

Topic: Foreign Affairs
So it looks like beheadings are the latest craze these days over in the Middle East. What the fuck is wrong with these people? I mean, I can see how the whole decapitation thing is a vast improvement over the fashion for suicide bombing, which hip Iraqis know is so 2003. At least if you hack someone’s head off, you don’t have to wait until all your friends are dead before you can start bragging to them.

But why can’t they take up a nice, normal hobby like pole sitting or extreme ironing? Would that be so bad? Heck, I’ll bet most of these decapitators can’t even hum the Macarena or the theme to Super Mario Bros. Considering the insane lengths to which me and my friends went to alleviate boredom during our suburban teenage years — when cable TV, record stores, movie theaters, video games, cadged alcohol and a stolen porno stashed under the overpass were not enough to prevent us from setting fire to our bedrooms now and again — I can see how the dearth of entertainment options might make an afternoon decapitation seem like a good idea. Heck, I know a guy who claims to have huffed freon on his family farm in Arkansas. And rural Arkansas, while boring, is like a trip to Vegas with the Pogues compared to fun-filled Basra or Jeddah.

Clearly, what the Middle East needs right now is board games, and lots of ’em: Parcheesi, Connect Four, friggin’ Candyland will do. Because think about it: even though Candyland sucks, would you rather play Candyland or cut off a guy’s head? Exactly. If only our leaders were brave and wise enough to ship over tons of Milton Bradley and fling it out of helicopters, we would be loved by all. They would greet us with flowers and call us liberators, and a glorious new day would dawn, in which Iraqis would cry out to the rising sun, “You sunk my battleship!”

Really, I think this might work. And anyway, it’s not like our government’s got a better plan.